60 days, 20 hours, 58 minutes…that’s how long it’s been since my Dad passed away. It doesn’t seem like that much time has gone by. I’ve sort of just buried myself in school (5 semesters practically down, 3 to go) and work, hoping that I wouldn’t have to think about it. I’m not one of those people who think that this is all just one big nightmare that we’ll wake up from…I am a realist and incapable of thinking like that. I have accepted the fact that my Dad is gone but that doesn’t make me any less emotional about it. Some days I’m angry, some days I’m sad, some days I laugh, some days I just ignore my feelings because its better than having to think about them. I’m an internalizer. I keep it all bottled up except for the random moments (like when Mark died on Grey’s Anatomy…that hit a little too close to home). I don’t have any regrets towards my relationship with my Dad. I was in a perfect place with him and I was looking forward to sharing the possibilities of my future with him.
The one thing that terrifies me though is the thought of forgetting him. That seems stupid, I know. How can you forget your Dad? But seriously, how many of you actually remember things from when you are 9,10, and 11? And how will that translate 20, 30, 40 years down the road? I took simple moments like voice mails and texts for granted. I just really don’t want to forget his voice. If his voice stays with me, so will the memories.
All in all,
It was just all too sudden.
It was like my life just slammed on brakes.
It just wasn’t fair.
I’m a huge believer in karma and I thought for awhile that maybe all this was my punishment for bad karma because I just kept asking myself WHY. Why did this have to happen to me and my family? What did I do to have to deserve this? I’ve come to the realization that it wasn’t my karma, or my mom’s, or my sister’s, or my brother’s…we were just the victims of karma that is ultimately serving a higher purpose. People have said this tragedy has the power to destroy you. I whole-heartedly believe that. But I won’t let it. My Dad would not want me wallow in my own self-pity and put my life on hold for him. I have a future and I know that he will protect me from inner and outer demons.
It’s just heartbreaking to know that he’ll never physically be there for anything else. No birthdays, no weddings, no grandchildren. That’s what hurts me the most because I know he would give anything to be there for those moments. However, one instance in the past two months gave me a sign that he will be at all those moments. It was when my sister was crowned Homecoming Queen. I mean seriously, you can’t script this stuff. It was the first sign that he was actually there. It wasn’t an act of God or anything like that. He made it happen. I just think about what my moment will be.
For now, I just have to think about all the things I have yet to give the world. I have so many things I want to do and a future career I hope to achieve. I know that he will always be there cheering me on and I will be patiently waiting for my own personal moment with him.
I love you Dad.